I turned my contract form in yesterday afternoon, completed with a circle around the "I do not plan to renew my contract for a third year" option... and I've been in a panic ever since. I couldn't sleep last night... wondering whether this is the right decision or not. It is so hard to give up this very ok job and wonderful house for the unknown. While I was laying in bed last night staring at my ceiling, I reminded myself that I moved to Chicago with no job and no prospects... but it still seems risky to turn this down for ....who knows what.

I just don't want to overstay my "moment" here. I have really gained a lot living and working here, but my goal was to try out teaching and decide whether to pursue it as a career or not (since I'd have to go back to school to do it). I haven't decided yet, but I think I've gotten plenty of experience so that I can make that choice down the road. Another year may actually turn into a negative experience if I end up burning out and getting sick of it. I am much more reluctant to leave my home and Nagano than I am my job and school... I really like my students, but my favorite third grade class will graduate in April, leaving me with the hellish second graders... and the staff will be turning over in April, too. I love my house, haven't hiked every mountain in Nagano yet, and the ski season has barely started this year! I also have free rent on a two story house, that (though freezing cold- currently) I live in very comfortably by-my-self.

I keep talking myself into it and out of it... but when it comes down to it (or came down to it yesterday...before I got all mixed up again)... I really think its time to move on. I'm not gaining anything at this job anymore, it isn't challenging, I don't have independent responsibility for anything (due to the whole team teaching scheme), I have to deal with the guilt trip of having a better, easier deal than everyone else... and I'm tired of teaching English! I also would really like to try living in the same city as Tom and would like more experience in a non-profit or government agency. If I can't find something here, I will likely head home... but the situation is pretty bleak there too (which brings me back to banging my head against the wall for giving up this secure job!... of course, it is only secure for one more year.)

So- as crazy as it still sounds to me... I'm giving up my lovely house, beautiful mountains, and easy job with loads of free time and a comfy paycheck for.... the absolutly unknown. Woo-hoo!!! Calm me down people....?

AND- it finally snowed!!!!